There’s a favorite story you might be familiar with: Selflessness, and how it embodies the spirit of the holiday season: from the 1999 Disney direct-to-video film Mickey Once Upon A ChristmasA vignette titled “Mickey and Minnie’s Gift of the Magi”. (It is said, There are also other versions.)
In the film, Mickey and Minnie are broken up, yet want to get each other a special gift. So Mickey sells his prized possession, a harmonica, to get Minnie a chain for his prized possession, a pocket watch. Unbeknownst to him, Minnie has sold her watch to get him the harmonica case. They both come away with the heartwarming knowledge that each has sacrificed something meaningful for the other.
Strip back all of its sentiments, though, and one truth remains – both parties are left with truly useless gifts. All the effort of persuading the gift recipient adds up to a waste of time and money, and the giver still gets the wrong thing. Thus, “Mickey and Minnie’s Maggie’s Gift” A horror story to me.
If you’ve ever found yourself frozen in indecision come Black Friday, racking your brain over what to get all the people in your life, you’re not alone. If you get a little overwhelmed by logistics or find yourself spending too much time in your online shopping cart, I’m with you. If you subscribe to the woefully false notion that you can actually win the holidays with just the right gift, you may be another victim of gift-giving perfectionism.
In a highly consumerist culture that urges us to buy more and more during the holiday season, feeling overwhelmed is to be expected – but it doesn’t have to be this way. There are some basic rules that can help you break free from your own gift perfectionism.
Rule 1: Lower other people’s expectations
Kelly Williams Brown, author of Merciful: A Practical Primer on Charm, Tactics, and Unsinkable Strength And Easy crafts for crazy peopleFind it helpful to get out before the holiday barrage of anxiety starts.
“I tell people I’m not a huge gift-giver. From there, they are welcome to think whatever they want,” he said. You may be expecting a gift from an acquaintance, colleague or distant relative, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to return one. Cross a few people off your nice list and focus on who you really want to shop for.
Rule 2: Adjust your own expectations too
Setting personal boundaries about budget and how many people to buy for can help gift-givers avoid spreading themselves too thin. It can be easy to dive head first into online shopping in the name of pleasing your loved ones — but also you Dopamine gets a hit Which may cause you to fill your checkout cart unnecessarily. Black Friday, Cyber Monday and other holiday shopping deals rely on scarcity marketing and other psychological triggers to motivate consumers to overspend. Don’t get sucked in by the deals, and instead go holiday shopping with a strict cap on how much you spend on each person.
Rule 3: Get to the root of your gift-giving concerns — then remember what’s really important
Gift perfectionists can get caught up in the opulence of their gifts, but one Research has shown Recipients often don’t associate the price of the gift with being “good.” Givers are biased by their own experiences shopping for and shelling out for gifts. Basically, many gift perfectionists have a somewhat self-involved element in their behavior.
Tamar Chansky, a licensed psychologist, author and anxiety expert, says it’s rooted in our collective overthinking about gift-giving. “We can easily fall into a trance of ‘more equals more’, but as with any concern, challenge that feeling! Ask yourself why you feel the need to spend so much money. Is it relationship insecurity?”
It’s nearly impossible for a single item to sum up all of our feelings about someone, let alone on an annual basis.
He also says that these insecurities make us think there is something wrong with us if we don’t come up with the perfect gift. Free yourself from the “all or nothing” mentality and find something that works in the middle.
“With gift perfectionism, we have the belief that if we don’t hit it perfectly, we’re not a good friend, or it’s some kind of personal failure,” Chansky said. If a particular exchange feels like an obligation or a major point of stress, it’s worth taking a step back and examining why. “Wait a minute. Is it about us and our ego, or about the gift for the other person? she said
Rule 4: When in doubt, just ask
The perfect gift is one the recipient really wants, so try to create a culture of openness about holiday wish lists among friends and family — which is to say, just ask. Over the past few years, my sister and I have started sending each other detailed Christmas and birthday lists with direct website links. The first few times we did it, it felt weird, but now it’s become so routine that it’s a welcome relief from the stress of other holidays. Brown says this has been a helpful strategy in her life as well.
“I make a wish list for my boyfriend. I can’t expect her to know my particular taste in vintage brioche!” Sharing a wish list is also a good way to get inspiration for other people in your life, she said. Brown says her sister has impeccable taste. Searching through her wishlist helps her discover items she didn’t know were there.
Instead of worrying about finding the perfect gift for each person, one solution is to consider a really good batch of gifts that can work for all of your holiday needs. Brown says some of her favorite gifts are batch gifts. “My friend gave everyone little bottles of limoncello and I loved it,” she said. “You can buy your supplies and do it in bulk.” It can be an opportunity to get creative or play to your natural strengths: homemade crafts, seasonal ornaments, or all the dry ingredients in a baking recipe can be a hit across the board with all kinds of recipients.
Rule 5: It’s cliché, but it’s really the thought that counts
Although many studies show that Giving makes us happyAre there other ways to fulfill that desire without getting hung up on certain material things to get someone? Chancsy says donating to a charity is a great option that can reach more than just gifts.
“Dare to dare – this year, can we do something different? Ask for ideas or propose your own — [it could just be] ‘Let’s donate what we spend to a charity – and have a nice meal together to celebrate!’” she says. You can also suggest to your loved ones that you stop exchanging gifts within a certain limit, so that no one overspends.
It’s a brave attempt to try and measure the best gift-givers in your life. A good gift should be seen, and of course, we all want our loved ones to feel special. But it’s nearly impossible for a single item to sum up all of our feelings about someone, let alone on an annual basis.
“Gift perfectionism is a sign that we care about the people in our lives,” Brown said. “I love giving people gifts, but if it’s not the most comfortable way to express yourself, let yourself off the hook.”
For me, time after time, I find myself chasing the heights of my best past gifts — really big scores that surprise or even overwhelm a friend or family member with emotion. But as Chansky points out, if anxiety consumes our holiday shopping, we’re likely to forget the connection efforts behind our actions.
“If we’re in a fight or flight experience as if everything is tied to this one thing, then we’re not going to be able to tap into the things that matter most,” he said. “Coming from a place of love and care – how badly can we fail? We’ll either strike a resonant chord with the recipient, or we’ll have a funny story to tell.”
A special note to let someone know you’re grateful for their presence in your life is always better than no gift at all. “We’re all looking to be seen and understood — to feel someone’s personal care for us,” says Chanksy. “Sometimes it comes down to cards more than gifts. Try to keep up with the purer emotions that have been dampened by capitalism.”
