You may have heard that this can’t be done: making friends as an adult. Maybe you’ve noticed this in your own life. You’ve probably spent time scouring Google results looking for advice on how to build new relationships and strengthen the ones you already have. Or you’re staring at the ceiling in despair wondering why our society is made to favor romantic relationships over platonic relationships. I’m happy to report that my friend Anna Goldfarb and I beat the odds. We have seemingly underachieved and become closer in adulthood.
We met at a volunteer event in the fall of 2016 and clicked over our shared careers as freelance journalists. The rest of our lives seemed quite different: Anna is 15 years older than me, she prefers a phone call while I prefer texting, and she’s a cat friend (I’m more of a dog person). We didn’t go to college together or have any friend groups in common. Still, we made it a priority to get together weekly to work together. Over the years, our friendship has grown in tandem with our careers. It’s a relationship that transcends work: We’ve been in book clubs together, bonded over our shared love of Fall Out Boy, and attended Philly house parties.
Combining her talents as a writer and a great friend, Anna has a new book, Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valuable Connections, Which acknowledges how difficult it is to be friends in a world that demands our attention – and one in which we exist in so many competing social groups. Saying “Let’s go together!” Simple. Putting the plan into action is another.
Hanging out with a friend while writing a book about friendship is a rare experience. Get meta in your conversation. I asked Anna to put our relationship under a microscope for what makes us successful, as well as for advice others can use to deepen their friendships.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Allie Volpe
I’m sure you’ve heard it a lot: it’s hard to make friends when you’re young. But we are proof of that. We did it. We are not lifelong childhood friends and our friendship is a product of meeting and giving time to each other. Do you think we can help?
Anna Goldfarb
We had a really clear reason to get together from the jump: we’re writers, we’re in Philly, we live close to each other, and we had flexible schedules so we could make time to see each other. There were many factors that set us up for our success. But other than that, our values are aligned. Being a good friend is important to us. I know you have maintained long-standing friendships and so have I. So we both know the value of friendship. But we didn’t set out to be friends. We set out to write together and see where it goes. What I learned in writing this book is that every friendship needs an “about” and our “about” was so clear and so compelling from the jump.
Allie Volpe
What would you say is “about” in our friendship?
Anna Goldfarb
Our “abouts” are writing together and supporting each other’s work. When I have good work-related news, I call you and vice versa.
Allie Volpe
People may look at us and say, “You just wanted to be professional acquaintances, not real friends.” What would you say to that?
Anna Goldfarb
That’s just how people work. There is clarity. Finding time to be together is easy because the reason is so obvious. It’s much harder when the reasons aren’t clear. That’s why people bail and flake and cancel. There is a reason we constantly invest effort into our relationship because the reason is independently binding on both of us. Our friendship is permanent because we didn’t find a work friend. There was an opportunity that we both took advantage of.
Allie Volpe
It is very easy to compare and become envious of people who do similar work. Why is it so easy to do and why has it not happened to us?
Anna Goldfarb
We both started at the same level: you and I were both laughing. We had an even dynamic and we were very careful to protect that even dynamic. If I come with an attitude like, “I’m 15 years older, I know what’s going on, listen to me,” and I dominate you, you’re like, “Buzz off, lady.” But I really tried to restrain myself. I know we’re from different generations but that’s a non-factor because I’m so invested in our teammate relationship. If the competition bubbles up, I’ll tell you right now: I’m jealous. That diffuses it. Then I think, what is the violence?
Allie Volpe
What is one small solution people can do today for stronger friendships?
Anna Goldfarb
I ask them to identify three to five of their closest friends and tell them, “I love being your friend. I want you around for a long time. I’m not going anywhere.” Just eliminating uncertainty because uncertainty creates anxiety. It’s contagious because you model for them how I practice friendship. This is how I talk to my friends. This is how I show my love to my friends. They will also show it to the people they love.
Allie Volpe
A word I’ve certainly thought about a lot is reciprocity. I’ve seen people talk about this a lot on the internet – this idea of friendship not feeling reciprocated. How do we get to a point where you feel like this person cares about me as much as I care about them?
Anna Goldfarb
When I was writing my book, I learned about the level of our friendship, And I have self-reflected on who is most important in my life. Who do I turn to for advice or friendship? And your name has come up a lot. That’s where reciprocity comes in. I see your effort, and part of being a good friend is recognizing that effort. You really make it easy for me to spend time together. It just makes me want to do more for you.
Allie Volpe
What your book does so well is tips on making it easier for people to say yes to hanging out. This is something we do unintentionally: to make it easier for other people to understand the reality of their lives. We can get stuck in our own heads, “Why am I the only one planning?” Or, “Why are they so busy?” When we don’t really care what might happen in another person’s life.
Anna Goldfarb
That’s a strong staying power “about” friendship. I know why I make time for our friendship and I know why you make time for our friendship, so it’s easy to respect that. I didn’t always have that knowledge. I didn’t put that care, that thoughtfulness, and that maturity into, “I know you can do so much with your time and it means so much that you make our hangouts a priority.”
Allie Volpe
One of the things I value about our friendship is that we never flake. If something comes up, we reschedule immediately. It just comes back to that intentionality [and] Realized that this was a relationship I wanted to try.
Anna Goldfarb
It makes me feel in control, I know where my energy needs to go. I’ve let go of other friendships where the “relationship” isn’t as strong because there’s no real reason to maintain an active relationship with all these friends I’ve collected. An important part of friendship is spending time together in person. It’s not always possible, but I know how important it is to get together in person and see your face and share things in real time. There is no alternative.
Allie Volpe
I totally agree. We talked about how hard it is to be truly responsive and present with online friends. If someone says, “I’m having a great day”, I can’t read their body language. I can’t say they are lying. It’s basic human stuff to see a person and know you’re not having a great day, how can I help?
Anna Goldfarb
I remember one day we were together and you had a hard day. I was like, “That’s it, come on. I’ll get us some Roses and we’ll play Mario Kart.” You can’t do that with online friends. You can’t create spontaneity and those memories. I don’t remember texting anyone.
Allie Volpe
You write in the book about the importance of making memories as a way to add depth and meaning to a friendship. It was so refreshing to see it written so simply, that we should intentionally try to do great things with friends so that we can form these rich memories.
Anna Goldfarb
We do this in an appropriate way for our friendship because we don’t have a social circle. Our friendship is such a modern friendship that it’s special to us, but we don’t have a big network to keep it. It needs to come from me and you, and we need to find reasons independent of other social circles to keep our bond strong.
Allie Volpe
I learned a lot about being a good friend from you. What is one thing you learned about friendship that completely surprised you or changed the way you approach friendship or communicate since writing the book?
Anna Goldfarb
I am much more verbal with my love and appreciation to my friends. I didn’t do that before. I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. But since I’ve written this book, I’ve realized that there are layers of friends that I cherish and appreciate. I find it much easier to tell them that I love them. This is one gift I can definitely give: Here’s how I feel about you. I don’t want you to ever guess, “Does Anna value me? Does he value our friendship? I want you to feel confident that you know that I love you, that I will be here for you.
