A Vox reader wrote: Why is it so hard to make friends as you get older?
You don’t need me to tell you what you probably already know: making new friends in adulthood seems next to impossible (unless you’re a naturally charming social butterfly, in which case, good for you!).
For the rest of us, introducing yourself to people is awkward, and inviting someone new to hang out can be more nerve-wracking than taking your crush on a date. Even if you set a time to meet, who has time to meet regularly when you don’t look like your current friends?
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Although more than 60 percent of Americans Consider having close friends Important for a fulfilling life, 8 percent of people age 18 and older Report no close friends. And as our reader suspected, as we grow older, our social circle begins to shrink. A study found that people usually have the most friends At the age of 25. After that, we are in slow friend decline for the rest of our lives.
Amidst the ongoing loneliness epidemic, friends remain a lifeline: they are our champions and cheerleaders, to whom we entrust our closest secrets and insecurities, our companions for life’s moments, big and small.
If these connections are so important, why do we have such a hard time forming new ones? After seven years of reporting on friendships, here’s what I found.
why is Is it so hard to make new friends?
It’s not just you; Most people feel this way. But when we say it’s hard to make friends as an adult, it’s because we’re comparing it to childhood experiences, when it was really easy.
As children, we are thrust into social situations like school and sports, with no real say in who will be there or whether we can opt out. All of these binding times together facilitate relationship building: Research shows It takes more than 200 hours to consider someone as a close friend. It’s much easier to collect that time when you’re in the same classroom, playground, practice field, neighborhood, dorm room, or study group.
As an adult, who has time for that kind of legwork? Our precious hours are spread between all our responsibilities and relationships, from work and hobbies to partners and children.
A study found that once we settle down, We tend to have two friends on average; All the energy to maintain that friendship is now devoted to the romantic partner.
The older we get, the more stable, binding relationships we acquire: partners, in-laws, long-time friends, children. Modern child-rearing, in particular, can take up so much space on your brain and calendar that your only social interactions may be with people adjacent to your child’s life and activities—people you don’t want to hang out with.
What prevents us from forming connections?
Remote work has put a damper on another once-vibrant source of friendship: It’s much harder to make Meaningful connections with colleagues In the age of Zoom.
basically, Many of us have been burned by modern life. When you have nothing left to give at the end of the day, spending time with friends—not to mention putting yourself in exhausting situations to make new friends—can feel like a chore. That’s why many of us feel relieved when a friend cancels plans at the last minute.
Finally, we have our own self-awareness problem. Suppose you meet another parent on the sidelines of your child’s soccer game. If you appreciate their shoes, they offer a funny joke — you two can really be one. But you never take the connection out of the field.
Why? We have a self-sabotaging tendency to believe that other people don’t enjoy chatting with us as much as we enjoy talking to them, a phenomenon known as Choice of gaps. It’s mostly an invention in our heads, but it’s powerful.
So, how can I make more friends?
We should behave like children again.
If you have free time, put yourself in a situation where you will encounter the same group of people for an extended period of time, such as a club or volunteer group. Then, try to turn off the nagging voice in your head that says you’re not attractive or say something stupid and start a conversation with someone. Remember: they like you more than you (according to Psychologist Marisa G. Franco In his book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends)
If you are nervous in your new group setting, you may want to take a few weeks to warm up and build relationships with others. You know exactly when and where you’ll see these people again so it’s less urgent. This makes it easy to start building towards the 200 hours spent together.
For those pressed for time, make note of people you already see and interact with often, maybe a colleague or neighbor. What is stopping you from making friends with them? Next time you see them, start with some small talk and graduate to longer conversations as you feel comfortable. The more meaningful these conversations are, the more likely you are to have them Develop a true friend level relationship.
As awkward as it may be, ask for their phone number or email and schedule your next get-together before the current one ends. And even if you’re so burned out that you can’t imagine dragging your lifeless body off the couch for happy hour with a new person, remind yourself that connection is the antidote to that feeling, not isolation.
Because it will probably feel tedious Hanging out with new people is more energy-intensive Than spending time with them we already know. But it should be fun. There’s no pressure to find your next best friend, just someone you’ll enjoy talking to for the next 10 minutes.
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