I left my religion. Should I still raise my kids with it?

A suggestion column o your mileage may varyGiving you a new framework for thinking through your moral dilemmas and philosophical questions. This is obsoleteThe column is based on value pluralism – the idea that we each have multiple values ​​that are equally valid but that often conflict with each other. Here’s a Vox reader question, edited for brevity and clarity.

I grew up evangelical Christian and was very devout until my 20s, when I drifted away from religion. Now I don’t believe in the Christian doctrine I grew up with. But I think growing up this way gave me something very valuable – a scaffolding for spirituality and morality. It has allowed me to develop values ​​like kindness and charity, to help others even when it is not convenient.

Now, I’m pregnant with my first child, and I’m worried that I don’t know how to instill morality in a child if they don’t have a scaffolding for it. Do I raise my child as a Christian even though I no longer actually believe in Christianity, and let the child figure it out over time? Or can you get the positive effects of being raised in a religion without actually being raised in one?

Dear Spiritual Scaffolding,

First, all I can say is: I feel you! This dilemma hits very close to home for me, as someone raised in Orthodox Judaism, no longer identifies as Orthodox, but finds great value in religious traditions. So the answer I’m going to give you is backed by research — we’ll talk history, psychology and philosophy — but also personal experience.

To put my cards on the table: I don’t believe you need religion to live a moral life. I’m sure you know this too, because if you think about all your friends and colleagues, you’ll probably find that a bunch of them are very good, kind people who grew up secular. They are all proof of existence That a man can be good without God.

And this is the foundation of a movement known as Humanism. Its roots extend to the ancient Greeks, who emphasized the role of human rationality in determining how to lead a good and prosperous life. But by the Middle Ages, Greek philosophical texts had become largely unavailable to European Christians, who believed that humans were too depraved to find anything good except in a supernatural deity.

When translations of Greek texts flooded Europe in the 14th and 15th centuries, the effects were transformative: the Renaissance was born. From scholars to popes, people acquired an appreciation for the human body and mind, a pride reflected in the art of the period (think Michelangelo’s “David”). They did not throw away the Christian faith, but they began to value both faith and reason and developed more confidence in the human ability to find truth and improve the world through science.

Modern humanism includes both “religious humanists” and “secular humanists”. The former are generally atheists—they reject the idea of ​​a God who intervenes in human affairs—but they still draw inspiration from knowledge of religious rites and scriptures and from the structure of congregational life. a lot Unitarian universalist Suitable for this category, for example. They won’t say you need Jesus to save you, but they will happily meet in a church for morally uplifting sermons and songs.

Then there are the secular humanists, who are staunchly religiously unaffiliated; Think of people like Salman Rushdie or Steven Pinker 28 percent of Americans today Those who describe themselves as atheists, agnostics or “nothing in particular”.

Both of these broad paths are valid options for you to consider. What unites them is a belief that you can be “Better without God“

Although there is some information To suggest that religion helps promote social behavior, e.g kindness To strangers, we also know that religious ideas and institutions have sometimes facilitated violence against certain groups. and evidence on social behavior Quite mixed actually When you look closely.

The connection between religiosity and sociality seems to depend a lot on how these things are measured. If you measure religiosity by general belief in God or self-identification as religious, you will not find it a strong predictor of moral action. But examine people’s behavior only after they engage in concrete religious practices (such as prayer) and you find that they show more prosociality, perhaps because the practices evoke moral emotions.

So religious practice Can be an effective technology for developing ethics. But it is not the only one! Psychologists have found that we can still be moral without religion –if We regularly and effectively set up the conditions to trigger moral impulses.

One of those passions they call height. It is that A stimulating feeling of inspiration You’ve heard of someone who did something that you thought was truly great, whether it was Mahatma Gandhi leading nonviolent civil disobedience or Susan B. Antony is campaigning for women’s rights. Feeling exalted also makes us want to act nobly – it drives us to moral action.

Another such emotion surprise. It is a feeling that people often get in nature, when facing a towering mountain or a starry night sky. By reminding you that you are a tiny speck in the universe, it distracts you from focusing on yourself and your own problems. You move into what psychologists call a “small self” mindset—and it turns out, it makes it easier to feel more connected to others and act more honestly.

A third emotion Gratitude. When you feel grateful for whatever gift you have received, your attention naturally turns to the source of that gift. Very often, that source is other people. Research shows that expressing gratitude doesn’t just make you want to return the favor to those who have directly contributed to your well-being—it makes you, too. I want to be generous to common people.

So here’s what I’d suggest for you: As your kids grow, find regular ways to use elevation, wonder, and gratitude to build their moral character. Of course, you’re not limited to just these three, but I think they’ll offer a great starter scaffold.

What do these habits look like? To trigger elevation, use great children’s books about admirable people, both real and fictional. A friend of mine who was raised on secular credit Miss RumphiusWhere the hero travels the world and plants flowers wherever he goes, teaching him to be fiercely independent and fiercely committed to doing good. I’m partial to what I call “from the first lady” books – regardless of whether they’re about the first lady Discover a pulsar Or the first woman becoming a rabbi! I recommend checking out This cool collection Spiritual examples from around the world.

For surprises, you can engage in dedicated activities, such as going on camping trips that include lots of hiking and stargazing. But let’s be real: you’re going to be busy. So, think of ways to impress the small spaces of everyday life, like walking home from school According to a research Published in Journal emotion“Wonder Walk” — A weekly 15-minute walk outside where you’re encouraged to notice a gorgeous sunset, a giant spider web, or something that makes you go “Hmm!” – Can effectively foster a “small self” mentality.

To trigger gratitude, you can practice writing thank you cards regularly with your child. You can also express thanks for your meal before you start eating — like the prayer many religious people say before eating, but without any reference to God. Research shows that prayer is successful Express gratitude In children, whether they are mentally thanking a higher power, a teacher or a friend.

Such practices will sound familiar from your religious upbringing; Your project is to retrofit them in ways that ring true to you now. Yes, it will require some effort, but it’s worth it in your case because sticking to preconceived, off-the-shelf religion will have a serious downside.

A philosopher from the University of Utah C. Thi Nguyen has a word that I absolutely love for that downside: “Value capture” This is what happens when a technology presents you with a certain way of doing something, and you accept that way as a stand-in for your actual values. Think: Instead of finding out how you can improve your overall health on Fitbit Rack up a high-level calculation. Using a prefab approach like this has its benefits, but Nguyen reminds us that outsourcing our decision-making will provide an oversimplified or distorted version of our values.

In this case, technology is religion, to which many people outsource all their moral thinking. But you can build a more bespoke scaffold that supports the values ​​and ideas you actually believe in. By doing so, you will honor the value of intellectual honesty and also the value of effectively building moral character in your children.

I would like to offer a caveat, though. The prefab religion comes with one major pro: unlike a Fitbit, it’s a technology that’s been debugged for millennia. Its rituals are fine-tuned and time-tested to respond to human needs. As psychologist David Disteno documents in his book How God WorksThese rituals contain deep insights into those needs and how to effectively meet them

Often it forces us to do things that we don’t like to do but that will probably be good for us. For example, while grieving my father’s death, I didn’t feel like many people were present and talking about him, but the Jewish ritual of Shiva forced me to do so. It surrounds you with community at a time when you want solitude but need togetherness. I want to get the benefit of it.

When we talk to our spirituality, we can inadvertently end up with something that feels thin, in part because it breaks the lineage. And this is where I think religious humanists have a leg up on secular humanists: even as they recast their faith so that it is consistent with their current beliefs, they maintain whatever pedigree they have.

It allows them to benefit from a tradition that demands of them things they might not do if left to their own devices – like spending a lot of time in community (religion is great at some but modern society often fails) and periodically disconnecting. . Technology (Sabbath is the original digital detox). This allows them to maintain a perceived connection with their ancestors and the aesthetic beauty of their background unique songs and customs.

So even as you build your scaffolding, try to keep an eye out for old materials that might be worth incorporating. You don’t have to completely reinvent the wheel. And you don’t have to leave the realm of spirituality or even religion to the doctrines you encountered in your childhood community. It is as much yours as theirs. I wish you the confidence to own it, be creative with it, and yes, take it out on society with people who bring your vision of a moral life to life for you and your kid.

Bonus: What I’m Reading

• Sarah Bakewell, who wrote delightful books At the Existentialist CafeThere is a new book on humanism. It is called humanly possible And I am so, so here for it.

• Intellectual humility is generally hailed as a virtue, but in This is the composition of AeonPhilosopher Rachel Fraser makes an unexpected argument against this by drawing on the case of geneticist Barbara McClintock, who relentlessly pursued her ideas even though her peers probably saw her as a crank.

• Well, it’s not what I’m reading like what I’m hearing, but: DeSteno’s Podcast How God Works Have a great episode About “growing moral muscles” in childhood, which informed some of my thoughts in this column. Hear the voices of little children asking what they think God wants from them!

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