I woke up the day after Valentine’s Day, bleary-eyed, fuzzy-headed, and with a slight pit in my stomach.
I didn’t drink too much. I wasn’t haunted, humiliated, or disconnected from both. In fact, I’m happily married to someone who rolls his eyes at Hallmark holidays but knows how to impress me: namely, through wings and beer, which we’d enjoyed the night before, along with a variety show at our friend’s Brooklyn loft. On the surface, the night was fine. But my gut told a different story.
It reminds me that, the other day, I was reporting on a mental health story that got deep into my psyche. I felt misunderstood by a relative when I tried to open up about it. I cried during the opening musical act of the show because, I am a Rasna.
So come February 15th, I – surely along with many for different reasons – wake up with an emotional hangover, or that queasy, uncomfortable feeling that lingers after a heavy conversation, therapy session or even a dark movie. Although not an official medical term, the “condition” is quite common, and can be understood from a physiological and psychological perspective, experts told me.
“Our response [to the outside world] We are driven by our inner world, and our inner world is influenced by what happened yesterday. Leela Davachi, Ph.D, a psychology professor at Columbia University who studies how emotions affect memory. “We’re not just blank slates every morning.”
I feel better already. Here’s what else I’ve learned about why we can experience emotional hangovers, who’s most at risk, and whether there’s anything we can do to prevent — or soothe — them. Spoiler alert: water and rest are tried and true hangover cures, even if you’re sober.
Defining a mental hangover
Different people have different definitions of emotional hangover. Perhaps most notably, Judith Orloff, MD, A psychiatrist and author The Empath’s Survival GuideIt is described as “an energetic residue” left over from an interaction with an “energy vampire” or someone who, intentionally or not, drains your mental and emotional energy.
“Toxic emotions can linger, leaving you feeling tired, foggy, or sick,” she writes.
In my case, it wasn’t a particular person from whom I needed to recover, but rather a set of mildly emotionally exhausting situations that didn’t subside simply because of the sunrise. (Importantly, I’m not talking about the emotional consequences of world-shaking life events like the death of a loved one, which are more appropriately classified as grief—and better appreciated as something that will and should take time to nurse.)
I had an emotional hangover after finishing the ghost book, receiving hate mail from readers, and falling out with my wife.
“The day after something really intense, it’s normal to feel a lingering feeling of sadness or shame,” Megan Bruno, says a therapist and coach. According to the mental health website, the concept reminded her of a “vulnerability hangover,” or the uncomfortable feelings of anxiety and regret that can arise after sharing deep emotions, needs, or desires. Choosing therapy.
According to Orloff, frequent emotional hangovers are most common among empathetic, highly sensitive individuals and those with social anxiety disorder. In other words, when your sensory antennae are too attuned to the thoughts and behaviors of others, small social blips are amplified. What is a breeze on the radar of others is a breeze on yours.
This perspective resonates with Abby Schaefer, a 33-year-old flight attendant based in New York City. “I feel really deeply emotional — when I’m in a fight with someone, I’m torn about it. My partner, in contrast, is like, ‘Well they’re wrong, so whatever,'” she said. “For people like me, the emotional hangover is one thing because you spend so much energy processing the event.”
The brain and body during an emotional hangover
While a hangover is best understood as a combination of dehydration, poor quality sleep, and other physical consequences of excessive drinking, the mechanisms behind an emotional hangover are a little more elusive medically. But experts have some theories.
For one, during an emotional experience — say, a confrontation with a relaxed coworker — your fight-or-flight system is activated, sending stress hormones like cortisol, norepinephrine, and adrenaline flooding the body. When the moment passes and your body settles into a “rest and digest” state, you may feel especially tired. “When we’re repairing after the stress response, it’s exhausting,” says Bruneau.
The feeling may also reflect emotional tension between your amygdala, the part of your brain that processes your emotions, and your prefrontal cortex, or the part of your brain that tries to temper them with logic and decision. “Managing your feelings of anger and anxiety and trying to be non-reactive is mentally exhausting,” says Bruno.
Some research also shows that highly emotional events light up the brain in certain ways—and that light doesn’t go off when the event is over. in it 2016 study in the journal Nature is neuroscience, Davachi and colleagues measured brain activity in people while viewing both emotional and neutral images. They found that brain states associated with emotional experiences lasted 20 to 30 minutes later, sharpening participants’ memories of subsequent non-emotional images.
This shows that, unlike a video recording, “we are much more complex in how we see, perceive and remember the world,” Davachi said.
Similarly, emotional moments can steal our attention — shining a light on happy couples after an argument with your partner, or misinterpreting your friend’s silence after an awkward encounter with another friend. By dwelling on negative feelings, you are (often unintentionally) delaying your recovery.
“Your perception is heightened toward that person or things relevant to that trauma, but you can actually suppress everything else,” Davachi says. “And that’s bad, too, because if good things happen to you too, like you get a nice note in the mail, you don’t let it improve your mood the way it should.”
Your emotional hangover may not be that complicated: Maybe you failed to breathe deeply, or didn’t drink enough water, or ate well while engrossed in a shocking movie. Your sleep may be more appropriate. “When we’re stressed, we tend not to take care of ourselves,” says Bruno.
Finally, the mental hangover is another indication that our body and mind are connected, Kristen is a guest, said a licensed social worker. “If our mind is oversleeping or overexcited, our body is definitely going to feel it. Nothing happens in just a silo.”
Your mental hangover first aid kit
An emotional hangover isn’t inherently bad; they are human It may mean you need to set better boundaries or improve communication or practice sitting with uncomfortable emotions and conflicts. If you feel that the feelings are frequent and disruptive, you may need to do something more drastic, such as quitting your job or breaking up with a friend. Consider abstaining from metaphorical substances that are no longer serving you.
“In some cases it is better to accept these signals, And We have to train our brains and our bodies to respond in different ways,” says Guest. She recommends drinking lots of water and journaling to notice patterns of what, where, and who drains you emotionally. “It’s important to take time for reflection,” she says
Working through this with a therapist can also be extremely helpful. Emily Hein, a writer and social work student found. For example, she learns that an outward reaction to a comment by her current partner may be related to what the former partner said.
“We tend to lump all these things together and it’s really hard to be like, ‘No, let’s just approach this particular situation,'” she says. “It’s definitely a push-pull between your mind and your body, and knowing that you’re safe and also validating that it’s okay for your brain to not feel safe. Your brain is pulling evidence from what happened.”
For him, watching a show, playing a video game, or taking a walk can all put a supportive space between the event and his reaction. Like a margarita-induced hangover, time heals, Schaefer also found. “Just be kind to yourself the next day,” she says. “That’s the rule I follow.”
