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One of the first declarations of love we reveal is the classic childhood best friend pact Although we’re not old enough to sign legally binding documents, a pinky promise is enough of an agreement to stay in each other’s lives, come hell or high water. My grade-school BFFs and my commitment to each other involve sticking together even in the event of a horrific natural disaster, flesh-eating virus, or some astronomical event that wipes out the planet.
While our youth envisioned the most ridiculous worst-case scenarios, we failed to take into account the natural ebb and flow of life. Even the strongest friendships can be torn apart by very normal life changes, such as moving across the country, getting married, or having children. It is a common experience for many once to be sure lifelong friends.
“Every seven years we lose about half of our friends. So our friends are really vulnerable to loss as we enter these different stages of life,” says Marisa Franco, professor, speaker and author. Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends. This is primarily because friendships are founded on commonalities: shared experiences, values or context.
This is why our closest bonds remain relatively stable during our elementary school years, after which we begin to falter in early adolescence—a pattern that continues well into adulthood. As stated in psychoanalyst Erik Erikson’s theory of human development, this Psychosocial stage Can evoke feelings of isolation and tear apart even our oldest friendships. Sometimes, these end in messy conflicts, others in devastatingly calm fallouts.
It can be easy to compare ourselves to friends who may be at a different life stage than us, especially if they hit traditional life milestones at an expected age. Women’s friendship coach and educator Danielle Baird Jackson says that one of the three main sources of conflict she sees in other people is a lack of symmetry. “Symmetry is a sense of reciprocity, balance, and egalitarianism, meaning that we are equal and that we are both contributing equally. [to the relationship]” she says. “But as soon as one party believes that the other person … is completely absent or there’s an imbalance, that’s going to be a problem.” As a result, we can feel alienated or even resentful of those who graduate without delay. Be, easily buy their own place or even retire when we are not at that time yet.
But if we are lucky enough to find our people in a world plagued by loneliness, we should be more inclined than ever to keep them. Friendship is not a fixed thing, but it can survive through different stages of life if we are committed to mutual love and respect.
Acknowledge what has changed in the relationship
The aging process has occurred Psychologically proven To change our behavior, adults have high rates of willpower, altruism, and trust. But that doesn’t automatically make us incompatible with people from earlier stages of life.
Before questioning the foundation of your relationship, pause and think about whether it’s your friend’s circumstances (ie, you’re no longer the celebrity that brought you together) or their character (ie, they constantly despise you after getting into a relationship. ) which has changed. If they’re still essentially the same person you originally befriended, there’s no reason to believe the damage is irreparable.
And while life may look different for both sides over time, there may still be common ground worth preserving. “Often, we bond with someone because of something that transcends life stages,” says Franco. “Like, I can be really vulnerable with this person. They feel me, see me, hear me, validate me.”
Be interested in new differences
Once we’ve established that our friends are basically evolved versions of the people we first met and loved, it’s time to reframe how we think about the changes in their lives.
“Another thing I would recommend is being open to welcoming each other into different worlds … and even inviting each other into them,” Franco suggests. This could look like hearing about their child’s latest achievement, attending a work event that is really important to them, or attending the first stages of a new relationship. “Seeing these differences as an opportunity for each of you to expand and understand each other more deeply, rather than seeing these differences as a threat to your relationship, I think can be really important,” says Franco.
Ashley Baritugo, a 24-year-old marketing associate, is the only person in her friend group who isn’t in a long-term relationship. “They are a couple but not in a way that makes me feel pathetic around them. … [In our group]It’s really about making sure that we never make anyone feel better or worse about where they are,” she says
In addition to deepening our existing relationships, constant contact with those whose circles do not intersect with ours opens us up to new knowledge, perspectives, and opportunities that we might not otherwise be exposed to. This event is referred to as Relational diversity in our social portfolio, which has been linked to higher levels of well-being.
“When I was going through my dating phase earlier this year, [my friends] To hear was really there and they would ask me [questions]Entertain me,” said Baritugo. “It’s also interesting to have another perspective on the issue: taken people will see some things differently.”
Communication of expectations
One of the most upsetting changes people face in mixed-stage friendships is not having the same access to each other as before. When a friend achieves a certain milestone, Jackson says, “Sometimes, we’re so afraid that we become jealous, insecure, or jealous that we’re dishonest about how we really feel about the change.”
Tamika Smith, a 39-year-old public speaker and entrepreneur, faced this dilemma when she became a mother at age 17. I was navigating motherhood, adjusting to this new chapter, forgiving myself, and trying to rediscover who I was,” she tells Vox. “I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve let this friend be a part of my journey. I shut down and didn’t communicate.”
Both parties should be willing to clearly articulate and specify their preferred form of support. Maybe it’s setting aside the last Saturday of the month for brunch, or FaceTiming first thing in the morning. Just because you’ve been friends for a long time doesn’t mean they can read your mind. Ask each other what it might feel like to stay close through a certain transition.
“As an adult, I manage relationships by being open and communicating my feelings,” Smith says. “For example, if I’m overwhelmed, I’ll let my friends know that I can calm down a bit to focus, but I’m still here if they need me. I support my friends wholeheartedly.”
Work on writing a new chapter together
After all, some friendships will never go back to the way they were before you parted ways. “People are discouraged because things are not what they used to be. So what we have is the present, and we’re comparing it to the past,” Jackson said.[You might think] ‘We used to do road trips. Friday night we stayed out. We used to and we can’t anymore. I think that’s the end of the friendship.’
However, the present is the perfect canvas for creating new memories. They can be activities you’ve wanted to do in the past that you never had the time or resources for, or bonding opportunities that can help you see each other in a new light or remind you why you chose family. Remember, these are not expensive plans, just comprehensive for your relationship.
Regardless of your best efforts, schedules can still change. “If I value relationships, I have to give us a little favor. How are we going to make our friendship this way? How can I give grace to the fact that he or she might change his rhythm?” Jackson said. “And how can I have the security of knowing he’ll come back to me? For those who are experiencing life changes, how can I verbalize as much as possible?
If only one party is putting in all the effort for a long time, there’s no shame in reevaluating whether the relationship is worth keeping. “Something that once came easily now requires mental labor, and it’s uncomfortable. The terms of a friendship have changed, and I have to figure out if I want to adapt,” Jackson says. It’s these kinds of make-or-break situations that separate us from purely circumstantial bonds that will stand the test of time.
However, given our strict culture of hyper-individualism, this is easier said than done. We are often encouraged and constantly reminded to cut our losses immediately We are not indebted to anyone. But Franco insists that lasting friendships are hard to come by. Every opportunity to save them is acceptable.
“I think there’s an importance in making friends with people who know your history, who know that you’ll never get back on your side, that you can only access when you’re around them,” she says. “Even as these changes happen in our lives, it’s really important to maintain and maintain these connections.”
