Kerry Rego, 47, has always had a rocky relationship with her father. His past history of alcoholism and passive-aggressive behavior eventually led to a seven-month separation. But they began to reconcile after her father started going to Alcoholics Anonymous, which prompted her to reach out. He told her that he missed her and that he hoped they could have a relationship again.
“She was willing to work on herself and change the way she navigated the world and the way she conducted her relationships,” Rego said.
isolation A well-worn story – in 2019, a survey found this 27 percent of Americans over the age of 18 were estranged from a family member — but less discussed is the process of reconciliation and coming back together after separation. The reasons for a breakup can vary, from a single infraction that seems too big to overcome to years of trivialities and misunderstandings. Such emotional wounds naturally take time to heal and, importantly, no one hates reconciliation.
But separated parties may wonder: What does it feel like to try to repair a broken relationship? Is it even possible? And in order to reconcile, do you have to face the things that drove you apart in the first place?
The path to reconciliation
There are two possible paths to reconciliation, he said Joshua Coleman, Ph.DA psychologist who conducts counseling on isolation.
One scenario involves dealing with issues that lead to isolation. In these situations, an alienated child and parent may go to therapy together to gain a deeper understanding of their dynamics. “I say the purpose of this therapy is to really show your adult child if you are able to take responsibility and then understand why they feel the way they do. [estrangement] It was the healthy thing for them,” says Coleman. “You have to…deepen your understanding of how your behavior has affected your child, even if it conflicts with your own memories of what happened in the past.”
Coleman is often approached by a parent who is estranged from their adult child who stops contact. Typically, Coleman encourages estranged parents to write a “letter of correction” in which they show understanding and take responsibility.
A second path to reconciliation requires the injured party to accept the “inherent defects” of the person from whom they have been separated. The ex may eventually conclude that despite current problems, they still want to continue a meaningful relationship. No big deal — a softening, a realization that the person you broke up with may never fix their mistakes or change their mind but you want to be in their life regardless. “They just want family and they don’t want to be separated,” Coleman said.
This was the case for Sidney, who at age 18 was outed by his missionary parents as gay. (His last name has been withheld to protect his privacy.)
After her parents found out, they decided that the family would pray about it together. But what happened, Sydney, now 27, says, was unimaginable, with her parents and older brother holding her as she prayed, “screaming and spitting” like a ghost eating.
“By the end of it, I was screaming, ‘I love Jesus,'” she told me. “I do everything I can to get them out of my body.” In the middle of the night, Sydney’s girlfriend came to pick him up, and he didn’t speak to his parents for nearly a year until his mother apologized to him.
Although Sydney’s parents’ behavior was abhorrent and fundamentally rejected their daughter for who she was, she decided to give them another chance after they showed “genuine remorse”.
In his case, their reconciliation was part reckoning and part softening. Although his mother apologized that night, his parents still made it clear that they did not support him being gay. When Sidney gets involved in a new relationship, his girlfriend is not allowed to come to his parents’ house. But he has a relationship with his parents, which seemed impossible at first during their estrangement.
How can people approach compromise?
Carl Pillemer, Ph.D., A professor and author at Cornell University Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend ThemSaid one of the first stages of reconciliation is the stage when one of the estranged people begins to contemplate the possibility.
“They start to wonder if they want to reestablish contact,” says Pillemer. “Often, they are aware that something has changed in the other person’s life. A substance abuser has stopped abusing substances. A person in a relationship where the spouse alienates the rest of the family is divorced.”
So was Rego’s situation. “My father gives me hope that people can accept that their path is not the right path, that they can change and grow and be different,” she says. Now, Rego and his father meet weekly for coffee, “on a neutral ground that is nobody’s home.”
Pillemer recommends that anyone looking at reconciliation make sure their communication methods aren’t invasive. “Avoid anything that looks like stocking, but show your openness,” he says. For example, don’t show up to family dinners unannounced. One method she has seen work is to communicate through cards, letters, or a neutral third party such as a family member who is not involved in the alienation.
Establish boundaries
An important component of successful dating is setting boundaries. Many breakups are caused by violated boundaries, so it’s important to keep your peace this way. Boundaries can include conversational topics that shouldn’t be discussed — such as someone’s political views or parenting preferences — or behavioral expectations, such as asking a family member not to drink or yell in your presence.
In Pillemer’s research for the Cornell Family Estrangement and Reconciliation Project, he found that effective reconciliation often has very clear conditions. Sydney used this method with her parents. “I make it clear to them, if you say homophobic things, if you say disrespectful things, when I’m in the room, I’m going to walk away and not talk to you,” she said.
In some cases, says Pillemer, the boundaries initially established were later relaxed, but the act of putting them in place helped facilitate reconciliation. Boundaries can be a way to focus on the future rather than the past.
In Pillemer’s research, successful reconciliations include clear terms, boundaries, and an understanding that the two parties may never agree on what separated them in the first place. “People let go of the idea that they were going to reconcile their ideas about what happened in the past,” says Pillemer. “Everyone has accepted that life happened, but they have to look at relationships.”
Does the union last?
Both isolation and reunification are not static states, says Pillemer. They are dynamic and can be moved in and out of a relationship. But even an attempt at reconciliation can give people a sense of relief. “A lot [my research subjects] Told me they learned a tremendous amount about themselves,” says Pillemer. “Doing this was a life challenge that they felt improved their self-concept and sense of self-efficacy.” It seems that even trying to reconcile can help reduce the intensity of feelings around the breakup.
According to Coleman, a parent who may be estranged from their child may find it difficult to adjust to the child’s perspective on parenting. “It’s a psychological achievement on the part of the parent to be able to bear the adult child’s account of their childhood,” he says. There’s a lot of work these days for both sides.”
Coleman tells me about his own estrangement from his daughter, who stopped communicating with him in her 20s. At first, Coleman responded “more defensively than forcefully” to her daughter’s view of the conflict in their relationship. “I didn’t take on the responsibility that I later learned was really necessary… It wasn’t until I radically changed my position that he started to come back and things started to improve.”
From that experience, Coleman says she learned that alienated parents need to be empathetic and curious about the child’s reasons for alienation and take responsibility. She also learned how “nightmarish” it is to be an alienated parent, which has helped her approach alienated parents in her therapeutic practice with compassion. “Knowing what other separated parents are going through… has been helpful for me in being able to strategize about their reconciliation points and outline the steps they need to take.”
What if the other party doesn’t want to reconcile?
Of course, there is no guarantee that a reconciliation effort will be welcomed by the other side. “It takes two to get along,” says Ohio State University sociology professor Rin Reczek, Ph.D. “As with reconciling a romantic relationship, reconciling a family breakup is impossible if one person is not interested, able, or willing to reestablish contact and connection. We cannot force or force anyone to re-enter a relationship with us – and if we try, we risk further harm.”
And if an attempt at reconciliation fails, Pillemer says a grieving process is necessary to move on: “Go through the loss and get over it.”
Despite how prevalent isolation is, stories of reconciliation prove that it doesn’t have to last forever. People can and do find their way back to each other. “If someone has a chance to show that they’ve had a change of heart, give them a chance,” Sidney tells me. “You never know what could happen.”
Clarification, November 20, 3:35 pm ET: An earlier version of this story was unclear about the timeline of Kerry Rego’s father’s sobriety.
