A Vox reader asked: What is humility? How can I be more aware of being humble, and why is it that pride always prevails over humility among us humans?
The concept of humility can be elusive in a culture that places a premium on (and even requires) constant self-improvement. A truly humble person can have a grace despite his accomplishments, an openness to other ways of thinking. It seems rare these days to come across a humble person.
Political figures are rewarded for their rigidity and self-righteousness. Achievements of those brokers at work More likely to be considered for promotion. Arguments start — and drag on for days — when people dig in their heels on social media and fail to acknowledge the experiences of others. When admitting guilt can feel so threatening to one’s sense of self, some people have a hard time seeing themselves as wrong. Lately, it seems that the person who shouts the loudest and holds true to their beliefs at all costs wins in the end.
Humility is still worth the effort, says Daryl Van Tongerenis a professor of psychology at Hope College and its author Humble: Free yourself from the traps of a narcissistic worldBut just the right amount. Too little humility and you become arrogant and unwilling to consider other perspectives. Too much humility and you give up your power, dignity and worth. The tricky part is finding the middle ground.
What is humility in the first place?
Van Tongeren defines humility as “the ability to know oneself, to examine oneself and to transcend oneself.” Humility requires self-awareness of your strengths and weaknesses and the strength to contain selfish tendencies and the desire to be right. A humble person can recognize when they are wrong and admit fault without being too defensive. They recognize the needs of others beyond their own.
Pride is not necessarily the opposite of humility. If you see arrogance as vain or arrogant, then yes, a person with those qualities probably lacks humility. But being proud of your accomplishments and knowing your self-worth is more in line with humility than arrogance. “The most humble people already know they’re worthwhile,” Van Tongeren says. “They are precious, they are loved, they are enough.”
People who are secure with their self-worth often do not seek the approval of others and may not be defensive when given negative feedback. It comes across almost all aspects of their lives. “When we engage the world in that way, our relationships are much better, our partners are more likely to forgive us, they’re more committed to us,” Van Tongeren says. “We are better citizens. We are less likely to be defensive or aggressive when we interact with people who do not share our ideological views, and we are much more tolerant of people who do not share our particular views on an issue.”
Are you a modest person?
It’s fairly difficult to measure your own humility because people think they’re more competent, attractive, funny, and, yes, humble. than the average person. The desire to see yourself in a positive light overrides any objectivity you may have in your own humility, van Tongeren says: “This overly glowing presentation of myself makes pride the natural default.”
To get around these biases, van Tongeren suggests asking a trusted person for feedback — “On a scale of one to 10, how humble am I?” – and try not to get defensive if you get an answer you don’t like.
Van Tongeren posed this same question to his wife after he spent a morning in his own pursuit, delaying their departure to the beach by more than an hour. He gave her a four on the humility scale. “I have been researching this for a decade. I think about humility all the time,” she says, “and it’s still really hard for me. I still put myself in a trap where my selfishness takes over.”
How can I work on being a little more humble?
Once you have a somewhat objective starting point, one way to work on humility is to cultivate empathy, Van Tongeren says. That is, show empathy for others’ feelings, even when you don’t agree with them, and put yourself in their shoes to consider their point of view. Van Tongeren acknowledges that this can be especially difficult in today’s social, cultural and political climate when people hold ideologically rigid views. Still, try to give others the benefit of the doubt and recognize that they too are trying to be good people.
Some ways to increase empathy and humility include diversifying your news sources and actively seeking out perspectives different from your own. Try to interact with more people who hold these alternative views and try to understand their motivations or why they hold these beliefs. “Try to understand,” Van Tongeren said, “how it feels to be them?”
To foster humility in your relationship, van Tongeren suggests pausing and thinking about what would be best for the other person. Take the time to really listen to a friend or colleague Listening leads to humility. “It helps you realize it’s not about you,” he says. You can also consider a time when you weren’t humble — like Van Tongeren’s failed beach plan — and how things turned out badly. Now you know what to avoid in similar situations.
Alternatively, if you’re in a relationship with an egotistical, self-centered person, humility may not be a quality you need, Van Tongeren says. “They can take advantage of the fact that you are regularly polite and [are] You are being treated badly,” she says. “In some situations, maybe courage is a good quality, or justice is a quality that needs to be prioritized” to either side with the person or walk away.
Cultivating humility is an internal process, something you cannot wish upon another person. So often, historically marginalized people have been told to be humble when they speak out against injustice or try to get a seat at the table. Women in particular are expected to be polite, and are They are considered arrogant when they share their achievements. Thus, humility becomes a weapon. It is not up to you to decide who should be the most humble, but act with humility and expect others to follow suit.
