It was last fall, in the midst of preparing to host my first Thanksgiving in my Brooklyn apartment, that I became obsessed with a woman on TikTok who was, in every way, doing it way better than I was.
For days, my feed was filled with The Adventures of Cecilia Tolon in preparation A Friendsgiving for 18 people in her apartment, which involved a detailed spreadsheet, a week-long schedule, candle polishing, and practically silverware. Not only that, he was making and buying all food, Compared to my rather awkward request to bring a side dish or drink for my 16 guests.
It helped that Tolon is a professional pastry chef and I’m just someone who likes to party. But there’s something about hosting an actual holiday, as opposed to a regular dinner party, that’s especially terrifying: Suddenly you’re judging your normal-person home next to the holiday movies of your youth, where Christmas and Thanksgiving and Hanukkah take place in sprawling suburbs. Colonial where every corner of the space is covered with poinsettias or twinkling candles.
Fortunately, none of your guests are expecting this—and if they are, they can host next year. They are probably expecting a clean space, a good time and hopefully a serviceable plate of food. You don’t have to spend thousands of dollars or follow every celebrity chef’s advice to throw a successful gathering that your guests will enjoy (Anthony Bourdain is famously suggested making two turkeys, one for showing and one for serving, which seems redundant).
To find out how, I talked to Tolone and other pro hosts about how to put together such a gathering without breaking down, losing your grip, or vowing to vacation forever.
Consider Maslow’s hierarchy of hosting
Megan Fitzgerald, who has worked in event planning for 15 years, went viral in the spring its orientation Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, but for party hosting. Below, aka the basic requirements for a party, hosts should think about basic comfort needs for guests: a clean space, a bathroom with enough toilet paper, and enough water to go around (with enough cups).
The other layers — “communication,” “relevant,” “fun,” and “surprise” are the cherry on top, covering things like how to convey important information to your guests, making sure each guest has at least two or three people. Already met at least once, and created a theme or an activity to break the ice (You’ll notice that none of these cost a ton!)
Fitzgerald explained that parties often run on a spectrum, where, say, a frat party might have the top elements (surprise and fun), but not nearly enough on the bottom (eg, a clean couch to sit on). Likewise, “Your Family Friend Gloria” probably has a pretty serving tray and thoughtfully cooked food, but is missing the elements of a party that make it fun.
“People who can host that level of detail where their cocktail garnishes are stunning, I think that’s very impressive,” says Fitzgerald. “But hosting is much more than that. It’s the energy of the party, your state of mind and meeting people where they are.”
“Hosting is a lifestyle. You’ll collect stuff – and thrifty, thrifty, thrifty!”
He suggests finding the “why” of your group: Maybe your “why” is that you hope to establish new traditions within your circle, or that you want to reconnect with your religion. Maybe you want your home to feel like a safe haven for people who have nowhere else to go during the holidays, or you want to see as many people as possible on your favorite day of the year. “Many of them if you know your ‘why’ [hosting decisions] will fall into place,” says Fitzgerald.
Avoid single-use decorations
“On this one, I have very strong feelings,” Tolon says, after I point out what seems to be the standard these days to buy cheap Amazon banners, photo backdrops, or themed paper plates and napkins for every event. “There’s no, ‘What’s the theme?’ The theme is Thanksgiving, and I’m going to use the same table runner throughout my 20s.”
Instead, Tolon’s approach is to gradually build a hosting toolkit over time, not at Amazon but at thrift stores. “If you’re hosting Thanksgiving, you don’t have to have everything this year. This year may be for candlesticks, and next year may be for tablecloths. Hosting is a lifestyle. You’ll collect stuff – and thrifty, thrifty, thrifty!”
Your space isn’t small – it’s comfortable
If you decide to have a theme, the best ones work with the physical spaces within them rather than fighting them (much like weddings). Therefore, your mood board, whether it’s in your head or on Pinterest, shouldn’t come from a holiday romcom.
“Hosting in an apartment is much sexier than hosting in the suburbs,” says Fitzgerald. “It looks like a taper candle and everyone gathers around the kitchen and yes, you’re together, but you should celebrate that you’re in this part of your life where you’re living in a city and celebrating the holidays. It’s magical.”
Not enough table and chair settings? Try a makeshift indoor picnic. “Just move the furniture, put a blanket and sit on the floor,” says Tolon. “If you think it’s fun and you make it beautiful and try, people will think it’s fun and funny and beautiful. It’s only awkward if you’re awkward about it.”
Danielle Post Senning of the Emily Post Institute Also suggests finding small ways to make the party special, like making a toast: “Maybe it’s a signature drink, or a moment where the family gets up and shares what they’ve been up to in the past year. But think of some things you can do that will make a holiday gathering where people make a little extra effort to get there. As the host, you can have fun with it. Reward it, honor it, match it.”
Calculate how much to cook
A holiday gathering — especially Thanksgiving — is one of those times where if you don’t feel like your pants are going to crap by the end of the night, you think you’ve wasted the day. Therefore, making or ordering enough food for everyone, at the very least, is a must in the first place (and ideally a second).
Recommends Southern Living Calculate one pound of food per person and half a pound per child. When buying a turkey, make sure you get a pound and a half per person (because the bones and water will stop cooking, meaning you’ll be left with about 8 ounces per person). Another way to think about it: Each person should have about 5 bites, 8 ounces of protein, and a total of 8 ounces of sides for an appetizer.
If you’re still worried that you might not have enough food, it might help to know that Ina Garten thinks it’s actually chic.
It’s also important to remember that just because you have 15 people eating stuffing, doesn’t mean you need 15 large amounts of stuffing. “You need one spoon Staffing for 15 people,” Tolone said. “When you break the meal down, it’s a lot of carbs and frozen vegetables, which are actually pretty affordable.”
If you’re still worried that you might not have enough food, it might help to know that Ina Garten thinks it’s actually chic. “People have more fun if they don’t eat so much they have to be taken home in an ambulance,” she said In his 2004 book on entertainment. “And no hors d’oeuvres; I learned that from the French.”
For wine, stock at least one bottle per wine-drinker. “I know it sounds crazy,” says Fitzgerald, “but if you’re there for four hours, that’s one glass of wine an hour!”
Embrace potlucks and takeout
If you can’t afford the full cost, there’s certainly nothing wrong with letting guests bring their own food. This still requires some advance planning and perhaps a shared spreadsheet. Last year, my biggest stress was whether the person who agreed to bring the mashed potatoes would flake at the last minute. I could only send so many reminders: How, I wondered, could I be a good potluck host without sounding like a drill sergeant?
As Senning says, “It’s the art of good manners. It’s about being consistent and persistent without being demanding or frustrated.” He recommends controlling your emotional tone when you’re dealing with people. “Whatever the response, be prepared and hold yourself accountable that you are the host, and your mood will set the tone for the entire event.”
Fitzgerald recommends leaning on your VIP guests, meaning your most Type-A, reliable friends. Send a group text to your VIPs with a list of everything you need and ask them to volunteer for their meal. “So those you can’t count on, just ask them to bring the wine,” she says. However, it is a good idea for the host to provide at least the main dish.
What if you are a terrible cook? “I actually think some types of takeout are secretly less expensive than cooking,” Fitzgerald says. “If you go to a restaurant that has a vat of pasta, sometimes it can be 70 rupees and you can feed 15 people.”
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
When Tolon cooks Thanksgiving dinner for her 18 guests, she asks them each to bring a bottle of wine or other beverage, as well as $10 to cover the cost of the turkey. “It’s definitely a cultural thing. I live in Sweden, and they never want you to feel burdened by them, so most of the time, people will give me more money because they know how much food I buy,” she says. While this may be somewhat controversial advice (he says he was once “worshipped” in his TikTok comments section for it), “you just have to know your audience.”
This goes for invitees as well. “In Swedish, we would say hosting is ‘finding people,'” he says “I have a list of different people that I know when to say, ‘Hey, are you coming?’ Some friends, you have to lie to them and say the party is an hour early. If you care about these people, you need to meet them where they are. It’s a party, it’s not a moral lesson on timing.”
Encourage fun guests by being a fun host
The New York Times earlier this year Publish a piece Where they asked dozens of professional fun and stylish people to give their best party advice. Almost all of them emphasized the same thing: stop stressing.
“If you act with the mindset of ‘everything is going to be okay,’ everything is going to be okay. But if you stress, everything will stress you,” says an investment executive. Another said, “When you invite people into your home, you have to leave.”
Other old etiquette standbys can still be useful: “The host has certain roles at a gathering, and you can think of them as signs to hit,” Senning says. “Make sure you greet each person as they arrive, introduce them appropriately, check in with them and thank them for coming and for any contribution they made.”
In my own case, the funnest part of Thanksgiving was after dinner, when I sat on the floor around the coffee table with my girlfriends, playing silly drinking games and singing along to songs we used to listen to in high school. When all is said and done, “people will forget if the roast was a little overdone, or if someone brought this salad or that salad,” he adds. “But they will remember how they felt in your company.”
